December 17, 2018
I'm no longer ashamed to admit it: I love Velveeta® cheese. There, it's out in the open.
Velveeta cheese is truly as advertised: It's Liquid Gold. The product got its name because when melted, the cheese developed a velvety consistency, so luxurious you wanted to wrap yourself in a cloak of it.
Let's be openminded. Take a look at that cheddar cheese you just tried to melt over your tortilla chips. Kind of resembles an ugly glob of orange caulk, doesn't it?
I don’t know how Velveeta got off on the wrong foot with some people. But we all know our fair share of food snobs, don't we?
We've all felt the dagger driven between our shoulder blades after revealing our love for Velveeta to one of our foodie friends. "HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT STUFF?" is the slur most often thrown at us. For Pete's sake, it's not as though we're guzzling high fructose corn syrup. After all, in the 1930s, Velveeta became the first cheese product to gain the American Medical Association's seal of approval. You don't hear the AMA saying "Yummy goodness" about just any old food. A testimonial: My mom is 93 years old and still active. She's been eating Velveeta Cheese for decades.
Velveeta is so famous, so much a part of American history, so revered, that a rock band named itself after it. Yeah, they play cheesy 80’s cover tunes, so what? Do you have a rock band named after you?
The vitriol reserved for this perfectly marvelous food is astonishing. I’ve had violent conversations with people over whether Velveeta is food, real cheese, or dry wall paste. But I’ve read the packaging! I’m informed! It says, “Velveeta: A Delicious Cheese Food.”
Where’s the argument, for crying out loud?
I'm not ignoring the fact that in 2002 the FDA scolded Kraft Foods, the company that makes Velveeta, telling them to take “cheese spread” off its packaging. Velveeta is now labeled as a “Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product.”
Well, I don't care. I'll just put another slab of sunshine on my sandwich.
I bet those Velveeta haters didn’t have a mom who made delectable grilled cheese sandwiches, buttered and toasted to perfection, with the cheese flowing like luscious lava through one’s fingers. My mom and I would sit at the table smacking with delight as we worked our way through the creamy golden specialness. I feel sorry for you people who were deprived of that heartwarming memory. Clearly, the lack of this early nurturing experience has been the cause of all your problems: your failed relationships, your conservative political viewpoints, your poor job performance and your pet’s misbehaving.
There is no cheese, food or otherwise, that melts like Velveeta does. I've seen the recipes online boasting of the best ever grilled cheese sandwiches made with cheddar cheese.
Your cheddar cheese, when melted (if the laws of thermodynamics actually allow that) gains the consistency of FLUBBER. In case you're too young to get that reference, I'm talking about the invention portrayed in the movie by the same name. Flubber was a rubbery polymer formed by cross-linking of polyvinyl alcohol (PVA) with a boron compound. It bounced. It was not edible.
You can go to Whole Foods or Trader Joe's or wherever you use up your month's salary and you'll never find a fancy cheese that melts like Velveeta. And tastes that awesome.
I want to cry when I see recipes online featuring Mac 'n Cheese made with something other than Velveeta. Why, why in the name of all things holy would you mess with something that cannot be perfected?
You might as well repaint the Mona Lisa to give her that smoky-eye look.
Shame. On. You.
Let me tell you, it's a fact: There'd be no Super Bowl were it not for Velveeta Cheese.
Yes. True that. No Velveeta to melt over tortilla chips? Bid your Super Bowl party guests goodbye. Without Velveeta, every football lover in the nation would turn the TV off, shuffle off to a darkened bedroom and become avid fans of cricket the next day.
Follow the chain: No Velveeta→No Nachos→No Super Bowl Party→No Football Watching→No Football→A Nation of Cricket Lovers
This ad for Velveeta highlights yet another one of its powerfully distinguishing benefits: It creates FUN!
Try to have fun with a block of Winnimere cheese at $30 a pound. Or with a slice of Caciocavallo Podolico at $50 a pound. Or a wheel of Pule at $600 a pound. After you tell your child he'll have to forgo college because you can't afford it, see how much laughter and jollity reigns in your home.
With Velveeta you won't get just one day of fun, you'll get 8 months of it because that's the shelf life of this delicious cheese food/product. Better put away the party hats after 2 weeks, you lovers of goat cheese, because that's all the fun your wedge of Boucheron is going to allow you.
I've got a block of Velveeta in my refrigerator right now. I am so looking forward to a grilled cheese sandwich this evening, along with a bowl of canned tomato soup. Yep. It's a four star culinary experience tonight at Chez Me.
I might make fun of people of a certain political leaning. I often mock celebrities who get too much undeserved airtime, but I’d never, ever stoop to sneering at people who enjoy a lovely grilled Velveeta cheese sandwich, a SPAM burger, a peanut butter Wonderbread sandwich, or a lovely Hostess Sno Ball.
I’m pretty tolerant when it comes to food.
So, in the comments below, tell me about your own guilty obsession. Go ahead. I won't make fun of you if you reveal that you love a nice hot bowl of Chef Boyardee Spaghetti and Meatballs.
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